As human beings we can be driven by our Inner Critic.
That voice can go on and on, telling you, your wasting your time and don’t bother getting out of bed do it tomorrow.
However not being Mrs Doom and Gloom, what if tomorrow never came?
Neither of us know what is around the corner. I have often seen things before they have happened, example I knew that my mum was going to end up with Tot (my step dad) ages before they got together, but not sure if this was coincidence or just a thought.
When it comes to dealing with the Inner Critic be ruthless with yourself and say “No I am going to go for run today” even if the Inner Critic keeps on and is constant.
Don’t ignore the Inner Critic because from my own experience when you do the voice can get stronger, so acknowledge it and tell it to “Shut up” get up out of bed, put your running gear by your bed on, which I would always suggest you so the night before and before the Inner Critic can continue go for a run.
With the Inner Critic it can effect our everyday lives, like when we write a letter, a book or a blog, going on examples. This voice is our protector in a way, as often as humans we can sniff out danger or that the letter isn’t good, so you proof read and edit it until it is good.
What you don’t want to do is allow it to take over, because once it does it can make you think Rapidly and then stop you in your tracks, talking you out of it, then you feel guilty for not doing what you wanted and it has ended up not being anything to really worry about at all.
I remember one work Christmas Party and it was a new job but being shy and suffering with Social Anxiety didn’t want to go, well I am glad I did because it was brilliant. Yes I did get drunk, but from that point forward really got to know my new colleagues and began to fit in.
Keep a Journal to answer the Inner Critic and what you really think and what you should do. Example you have split from your boyfriend and you then have the Inner Critic telling you that you shouldn’t have done that, make bullet points as to why you did and then read them out, and create a new plan of action to move on.
When relationships breakdown there is a reason, so write in your journal about it to address the topic, and face the voice by looking in a mirror imaging the Inner Critic is in front of you head on and say “GO AWAY”, silence it by imagining the voice getting quieter and quieter until it is completely muted.
Then reducing the image of the Critic until it completely disappears.
Try doing this several times and you will no longer be dictated by the Inner Critic, but by the voice that is in your gut instead.
I have done a cheat for you to download with this activity and you can even stick it on the wall, and try it every time the Inner Critic speaks.
Last Friday I met up with my friends and all was going well, I was telling them about my husband work, and suddenly I felt self conscious, I no idea why, and I began to feel myself stutter and struggling with words.
I have talked about Social Anxiety before in a Christmas blog, check it out in link below:
I suddenly felt aware that I was talking and being looked at whilst I spoke, which is perfectly normal but suddenly felt self conscious and started feeling paranoid because I was worried in case my friends were laughing at me.
This has happened before many times and it has been picked up on by people too, and I suddenly feel mortified and embarrassed, wanting the ground to swallow me up.
Has anyone else had this happen?
What I did after then was kept quiet and listened to my friends speak, and then once I pulled myself together than began to talk some more.
It just feels like someone grabbing my words and muddled them all up in my brain and I have no control over it.
Having social anxiety does really knock my confidence, but I tried to bounce back from those feelings as much as I can, but find they can haunt me now then.
There was a time where I didn’t have those feelings, and came out of shell more, and think was due to atmosphere. I try to think of those times when I felt fully confident and try to be the same person, but I struggle now.
I think I have struggled more as I have gotten older.
Christmas can bring a mixture of emotions. There are those that thrive at Christmas who can’t wait to get out their Christmas Reef and decorate their home and attend those every year get together’s with family and their work Christmas parties.
Then there are those who dread this time of year. They feel uncomfortable when it comes to being given a gift, as they aren’t used to showing delight, and now they feel they have to put on a show of gratefulness. Even if it is another pair of PJ’s or socks.
Dreading the Christmas party all those people in one room, to some there is nothing worse.
Reading an article on the website http://www.mind,org.uk in the UK 1 in 4 adults feel anxious about social gatherings during the festive period. I felt it the other day, when I went to attend a Mulled Wine and Mince pie evening at my son’s nursery. It was to look at our beautiful children’s art work and discuss about our children and how they were getting on at the nursery.
There was one point when talking I felt myself begin to stutter and became tongue tied and self aware, so as soon as I felt I was doing it, I stopped took a breath just for a second and then carried on.
It is learning the triggers of when you feel the anxiety and self consciousness step in, that can help you. To me it feels like a I have a widget just above the stomach and I can feel it raising higher up into my chest.
Also it is okay to say you have an issue aswell. I talked to them about me as a child and what my fears were at having my own children that they would go through the same feelings I did at nursery and at school, and it really helped.
Talking to someone about it first going through the feelings you feel can really make a difference.
If you are dreading the Christmas party, as with all the mind matters that I write about, one thing I would always recommend is to write it down and take perspective on your feelings.
Ask yourself when did these feelings begin?
Knowing how it feels when you dread meeting with people I want to help others to prevent those fears and feelings too. So addressing the history of those feelings, like if you have suffered bullying, you are paranoid because a passed event took place and it plays on your mind still and you worry in case it may happen again, is a great place to start.
You are worried about what to wear, you are fed up of feeling you don’t fit in, and that like I experienced in one of my work places, they only found me fun when I was drunk.
The last time I saw these particular colleagues was when I had met up with them in London, and we were having a laugh, I had a drink and I had decided to pop to the lavatory.
Coming back and retrieving my drink, I noticed it was suddenly tasting funny. It was only when I pressed the person who was looking after my drink, got stroppy and said “We’ve put a Tequila in it” and laughed. I was quite taken aback and I didn’t say anything but I was not happy.
They basically spiked my drink.
Now I am always up for a laugh, but the one thing I do not agree with doesn’t matter what it is. You should never spike someones drink. It is so dangerous, and what if I had, had a sudden allergic reaction. You just never know and people have and so from that night I decided perhaps it would be best to stay away.
I have never been in contact with them again.
It did make me avoid work parties and I only began to go out with my friends I know from school and I know I can trust.
Going back and addressing the issues that first caused you to have the feelings of social anxiety can help you. Anxiety, as I have spoken in a video about, see video below, is an emotion that is there to protect us, but not control us.
When we have anxiety of any form it can usually be the “What if’s and who is going to be there”, “What if I trip and fall, I have my skirt tucked into my knickers again like last time”. It can be a medical issue that can hold us back. If you are worried about your breath, you are bloated and don’t want to break wind in front of everyone when having chat and a drink.
I know people will laugh at this, but it can be something that worries people and causes them to fear other people.
So work out what had triggered these feelings from the beginning
Then ask what could be the best thing about the Christmas party? What good things could happen?
This will help you to get in touch with your positive part of the brain.
It can feel at times so easy to listen to the negative part of the brain, because if something does happen, it’s that holding up your guard, as if to say you had kind of expected it, in some way, then it won’t be such a blow to the system if something does happen.
If that is the case let me ask you, will it make you feel any better knowing you were right that the worse thing did happen?
Another way of addressing such issues, is by grabbing a notebook, and right the best things about (using the Work Christmas Party as an example) of what could happen and why you should go, then number each line, from 1 to 5, and write down 5 things, doesn’t have to be an essay or many words, but to the point, of the really good things that can come out of the evening with your colleagues.
Example:
I get to see my friend from another department I don’t always get to see
A great opportunity to grow my own network of contacts in my work place
I will get to wear that black dress I bought ages ago
My friend is going so I won’t be entirely on my own
All my colleagues have all said they would be really happy to see me there
Then on another page or underneath that write a list of 5 things, that you are worried about.
Example:
I am worried about my skin looking too pale
I feel like mutton dressed as lamb
Not all my colleagues in my department are going
I fear I may not know many other work colleagues there
What if I am not able to make conversation
Recap:
Address when your social anxiety started
Then get in touch with the positive side of the brain to think of the good things about going to your work Christmas party
Then go through the list of things that is worrying you
Then you want to from 1 to 10, mark down the possibilities of each item you are worried about. For example, I am worried about looking too pale and if you feel the probability is a 9 out of 10, then what would help reduce that probability?
You watch programmes like TOWIE where it is fake tan galore and perfect skin and nails, but remember they have been dolled up for entertainment and would have spent ages in hair and make up.
There is no harm in pampering yourself, build the areas you do like about yourself.
To address the first item you are worried about, list 5 things you do like about your body and appearance.
I wouldn’t recommend sunbeds due to how bad they are for you, but you can get tinted moisturisers. Exfoliate first and then use tinted body cream or wash off tan.
Make sure you choose a tone that suits your skin. The last thing you want to look is orange, but have a healthy glow. However I do think pale skin can suit a lot of people. There are stars like Nigella Lawson, who oozes paleness and was seen as a domestic goddess.
What would increase your confidence in this area?
Again list 5 things.
Example:
Choose an item of clothing that will help reduce the paleness. For example, red always suits me and blues. Finding the right colour clothing for your skin tone can make a huge difference.
Show the assets I do like. Do you have a cleavage, do you like your legs or arms?
There is an outfit that always suits me. Go and look at it and put it on and ask yourself, why this outfit always gains me compliments?
My hair, I always get people saying how lovely my hair is. What could I do that will make me feel more elegant and take the eyes of my pale skin?
Could I be anaemic? I am being serious, I was pale as a child a lot and it turned out that I had a low immunity especially during my periods, so you may be lacking some iron in your body. Worth getting checked out.
Then do the same for the next one in your worried list.
Addressing the issue is the key to finding a solution. Once you find a solution then you can start putting pieces of the puzzle together to help build your social insecurities
You have to be honest with yourself. The more honest you are the more you will find the answers and be able to help build your confidence in social situations.
Then write 5 things of how you will feel if you don’t go to the Christmas party?
Example:
I will feel that I missed out and there will be loads of chatter about it in weeks to come, and I won’t feel part of it causing me to feel even more left out
Relieved but guilty, due to people asking why I wasn’t there
Childish and defeated
Missed a great opportunity to form stronger relationships with colleagues. Some evenings, in my experience, I have had out have been the best way to get to know people and form friendships at work. People outside of the working environment, tend to be more relaxed when socialising with work colleagues once the working day has finished
Annoyed at myself for not having the guts to go, and now I feel like I have taken a step backwards
Then close your eyes thinking about what you have written, play the movie of the image of you at the Christmas party. Picture both images, the areas where you are worried, and the areas where you have written down that you feel would be a good idea to go to the Christmas party.
Start to reduce the negative image of you at the Christmas party and increase the positive image.
Keep imagining this until the negative image is a dot and the positive image is so big you feel you can almost touch it, then imagine the negative image going completely. Do this several times, before the party, and this will really help you to fight against the anxiety and not allow your social anxiety to hold you back.
I really hope you find this blog helpful and many thanks for reading,
For some, this time of year is the time to be jolly and excited about gifts they will receive or buy, and seeing friends and family they haven’t seen for a long time.
Then there are others who will be on their own at Christmas. The percentage of the elderly who feel lonely has increased this year, and I find it so sad, but at the same time I do identify with those feelings.
There have been times when I have felt alone, I was never a girl who had loads of boyfriends, and my friends once they began to see boys, often created a new circle so the circle I had with them, started to fade too.
When talking to one of my friends, even when she had a boyfriend she still often felt lonely.
If you look up the word Lonely on the internet you’ll see the definition on Google browser to mean,
“sad because one has no friends or company”,
but even when we have company if we feel unattached to the people around us, we can feel lonely too.
So I feel the word “Lonely” to be sometimes defined incorrectly.
I see it as someone who feels unattached from the world and the people around them.
Listening to a phone in on the ITV 1 program This Morning, a lady called up saying how Lonely she felt, she felt she had no one. She had tried going to a local club, but still she was one her own.
Feeling like we have no one can send us to the rock bottom and that can lead to depression, falling down a steep hole as I have often seen it, and it is a battle to try and get out of the hole, dropping deeper and deeper.
What I would say is, write a list of the people who you do know, or have known. I often find that writing about my feelings as I have written in many of my blogs, to be so useful and I would always recommend keeping a journal.
I have kept a journal all the time, and have done so from a young age, maybe not continuously filling it in everyday, but have always had one there so when I need to, I know it is there for me to share my thoughts and fears. I have different ones, my everyday bullet journal which is a quick note down of my day and what is coming up, a one where I share all happy thoughts and memories and another for all my personal fears and feelings.
A Self Help book I would recommend is a book called “Mindfulness on the go” written by Padraig O’Morain, a bit of peace in your pocket.
Mindfulness on the Go a definite book I recommend helps you reattach yourself with the people and world around you.
This will help re-attach you to the world. Be with the world around you, look at the buildings, the roads, people, cars going by, nature and will help you have peace with yourself.
Before you can attach yourself back to the world, you have to build the confidence within yourself.
How are you supposed to be happy with the world and make friends, if you don’t make friends with yourself and be happy with yourself?
Take the pressure off, don’t push yourself to go to the local club you have checked out, until you are ready. Take gradual steps.
Mindfulness helps you to concentrate on your breathing whilst appreciating the things that are around you.
Walking through my local common for example and being mindful, has really helped me when I have felt low and helped to reattach myself, and see that there is a magnificent world out there.
Getting in touch with nature, visiting a local farm, a zoo, or just going for a quiet walk not particularly having a plan of where to go, but just getting to know the place you live again, and as you do so, if someone says good morning, afternoon or evening, say it back.
I have noticed since walking through my local common how often other people are a lot more friendlier, and appear to be happier, and there is at least one person who will greet me and notice me. There is something about nature that helps others relax and be approachable.
Go for a coffee and if someone smiles or you see someone looking for somewhere to sit and they to are on their own too, why not ask them to join you?
This is one of my husband and I’s regular ways we reattach having a coffee together, or spending sometime away from where we live, having a few drinks and a bite to eat. Being by the sea can really make a difference in your feelings. I always feel happy with my life and get to know people when I am in a peaceful surrounding.
It is the little things that create the big things in life, and sometimes as a couple it can be so easy with work and children to become unattached from each other, that you start to feel lonely. So having sometime just the two of you, can really make all the difference.
A good way to help loneliness is to take on a challenge. Back when I was living in the South Coast of England, there was a period where I would look in the mirror at myself and cry and I felt like my life wasn’t going anywhere.
It was in May 2005 when I knew I had to change things. I decided I was once and for all going to make fitness a part of my everyday lifestyle and set myself up on a challenge. The year 2008 I took on the Great North Run. Something I never thought I would ever do.
It was the biggest thing I had ever achieved in my life and it proved to myself that if I wanted to make a change in my life and create better things, I was capable of doing so. Taking on the Great North Run was what I needed to make me see what I could do when I put my mind to it. There were people who didn’t even know me, but took an interest and gave me a cheer on.
Open your eyes at the people next door or who have invited you out and you have turned them down. If you have kept saying no and they no longer ask you, that is because once people often hear the word “No” they will stop asking. You will be surprised that they will then miss your company too. So if you see them again, why not ask them if you can finally take them up on their offer and join them.
I have often felt lonely as a new mum, feeling isolated and I still do at times. I still even now that Henry is 3 years old, still feel at times that I am getting things wrong, but then I look at my boy, who is very healthy, very sociable, happy and loves to explore and I know I must be doing something good, right? It has made me more confident, it has helped me chat to other mums who are feeling the same and just having a chat to them can make all the difference to them too.
Motherhood is challenging and if you are a mum feeling lonely then remember the little creation you have bought into the world. Giving birth is a challenge in itself, so taking on other challenges that will give you a chance to meet other a people, like a charity walk or run, will really help you beat the loneliness.
Everyone can build a castle 