In the year 1999 my world appeared to crumble in front of me as it was the first Christmas that not all the family were their celebrate, as my mum and dad had split up for good this time, and was getting divorced, my brother and I fights got worse that we both would hit out at one another as soon as we saw each other and not long after that Christmas my nan died, (my mums mum).

I knew it was going to be different when earlier in the year of 1999 my mum told me whilst driving to North End road, but I was some what prepared because I saw it was going to happen a long time before then, and said “Yes I know, I had a feeling that was coming”, but I did end up spending a lot of time out, not wanting to face the music of it.

The reality of it was stronger than the thought of it, and I didn’t want to be involved, but I was, because as soon as it happened my dad would be very angry saying some very nasty things to me, about my mum, like I hope she dies of cancer and if I see her again, I’ll stab her and my mum then would say, Your dad cheated on me, she moved us to North Sheen, near Richmond, because my dad kicking off because of the nose of our neighbours living in our block and it was just being between a tug of war.

I am rewriting my book called, The Peabody Years, as it was quite small compared to what I wanted it to be and there is more I would like to add, but in the year of 1999 we had been living in our first houses in North Sheen since the year of 1996.

That year in 1999 was the first time I had ever dreaded Christmas and wanted it to go away. I had gone into a depression that I can not describe, and found it hard to even get out of bed.

I had changed jobs and was not happy at all. I hated where I was working and resigned as we got closer to the festive season. The spark I had for the Christmas had gone and I thought it would never return, and I was getting drunk a lot before then, and finally I came out of it after the new year, after reading a book by Paul McKenna, called, “I can make you confident in 7 days” and it was what I needed and yes it helped me immensely.

I was so used before this happened in 1999 used to traditional Christmases, where we would go to my nans house in Finborough Road Estate in Earls Court, and my grandad when he was alive, would cut the turkey, we’d open our gifts before dinner as my I or one of my cousins would help him hand out the gifts under my nans tree, and then after dinner my grandparents, my parents and my Aunty and Uncle would play a card game.

So when Christmas of 1999 approached I knew that those days were surely over and it hit my like a knife, that Christmases a I knew them would never happen again.

It did take a long time to get my spark for Christmas to come back, as I for a long while became a humbug, and saw it like any other day.

I hated the way I felt, and I had also begun to starve myself. Yes I had an eating disorder and it was when I passed out at my nans, I knew I had to turn my life around, as I was frightened of how much weight I lost. I lost strength in my arms, I had no energy to do anything and was constantly feeling guilty about everything I ate.

To not make this blog not too long, I did end up finding my spark again when I went to Florida one year and after my son was born.

I decided to also help bring back my spark for Christmas I needed to create a new set of Christmas traditions and that is I always like to do a Christmas run or long walk each year, and on boxing day too. Another one, is I like to decorate for the Christmas cheer whilst playing Christmas songs, and go to a Christmas market, and borough market in London, and have a cup of Mulled Wine or Winter cider.

My sons first Christmas being a mum was different too, as Henry was born unexpectantly premature and again I didn’t think much about it, but from his next Christmas I wanted it to be magical for him, like it was when I was a kid, and want to continue to do so, for when I have more children.

If you have had a familiar experience around Christmas time I would love to hear your story. You can leave a comment below.

Also if you are new to my blogs then you may not know that I like to raise money this time of year, for one of my charities I like to support, and this year I am raising money for a Charity called Tommy’s who raise money to support families whom have had stillbirths and premature births. My Just Giving page is link below if you would like to make a donation:

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/theparentingadventuresprematurebirths

Many thanks for reading,

Carrie X